M is for (not) Making Friends

MWe all know that I have a face like a slapped ass. And we all know that I can’t stand people.

The thought of having to make conversation with someone new fills me with dread. Is that harsh? Nah. It’s brutal honesty, which is weird seeing as my job is to network and talk to people. I’m sure they’re not all bad people but I’m just not a nice person.

My face doesn’t smile easily, sometimes it hurts to look positive, even if I’m glowing inside. So, it’s pretty exhausting trying to be nice all the time, or at least try to look nice.

sarcasm-picWhat we all need is a friend you don’t have to try with. A friend you can rip the crap out of, and vice versa. The more the merrier I say.

Forget being nice to each other. There’s no cheesy American TV sitcom type relationship, your care for them is evident in the form of insult after insult after insult. Being verbally abusive goes hand in hand with caring for each other.

Take my first job for example, people tried to make friends, they’d be super nice to each other and ask questions like “what music are you into?” …don’t make me sick. That’s not how you make friends. One day while minding my own business and puking behind the newspapers at WHSmiths from hearing those sickening conversations, one of the guys ‘accidentally’ flung an elastic band at me. It stung for almost five seconds. It was like love at first sight, and we’ve been close friends ever since. That’s how you make friends.

1334712231433_5693705These friends are the best of friends. They’re sarcastic friends who understand your humor, which to me, is a crucial aspect of clicking with someone on a certain level. Nothing kills jokes more than having to explain to someone that you were “just being sarcastic”. It’s much more enjoyable to have someone that appreciates your work.

You get to enjoy seeing the shocked faces of those unfamiliar with your crazy unique bond who aren’t sure if you’re best friends or mortal enemies. Especially when your friend says they can easily get rid of you. Pfft…that means true friendship. You know who you are.

im-not-sarcastic-im-just-intelligent-beyond-your-understandingI don’t often like the soppy mushiness of emotion when it comes to declaring your feelings, but sometimes you need someone to vent to, and sarcastic friendships can always provide those. They’re straight to the point, honest, and painfully witty.

Want to know how I met my best friend? In reception, she came up to me with a picture she drew for me, I ripped it up. No idea why, but we’ve been best friends ever since. And that was over 20 years ago.

I think there’s a pattern emerging here. I don’t now why but I have this innate need to be horrible to people I like. I find it so much easier than being nice to people. I thrive on sarcasm as much as I thrive on coffee, and am impressed when met with equal amounts of it, if not more.

Although, yesterday at the gym I was complimented on my T-shirt by a couple of people, making me smile – which was very unlike me. It was a Charlie Sheen T-shirt that said “Winning” across it. So if all else fails, wear Charlie Sheen-branded clothes and you’re bound to make friends.


|| Part of the A to Z Challenge ||

A post a day except Sunday for the month of April to cover topics beginning with each letter of the alphabet.

Previously on A to Z:

L is for Love (cue puke)

K is for Keyser Soze

J is for Jiminy Cricket

I is for Investigative Journalism

H is for Hibernate

G is for the Great South Run

F is for The Fureys

E is for Everlasting Gobstoppers

D is for Derren Brown

C is for Coffee

B is for Bill Bailey

A is for Avocado


18 responses to “M is for (not) Making Friends

  1. Thanks for the post I enjoyed reading it.

    I mostly can’t be arsed with people either I just have a handful of close friends. That’s all I need. Love my virtual friends on twitter too.

    Keep up the A-Z
    Best wishes

  2. The day I met my best friend, she was going off on a tangent about some girl hitting on her boyfriend right in front of her. I heard this all in the break room and hid, in fear because I couldn’t tell if she was talking about me or not because I was in fact hitting on her boyfriend in front of her that day. (what can I say? My girl has good taste) That was a good 14 years ago, and to this day we are still attached at the evil organ…

  3. Never thought at the time that happening to be an astoundingly good shot with an elastic band would end up saddling me with you for the next decade.

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