Because of my selfishness I wonder if I can ever forgive.
I believe it is against our nature to forgive, to let go of our anger. Forgiveness is a conscious choice after all, one that seems almost impossible to ask of. So, at the same time, I wonder if I can ever be forgiven.
This last year I’ve changed. Funny isn’t it, coming from the person who detests change. But it’s true, I have.
I’ve become moodier, angrier and more frustrated. I’ve become so full of anger, at people, at everything, just at the world. I don’t know how I’ve become this way. Maybe it’s because I don’t get much sleep so it makes me grumpy. Maybe it’s because I’m still living at home so it makes me turn back into a teenager or maybe it’s because I’m still not over Dad leaving. Since he left, anger has just built up inside of me because he left without any of us able to say goodbye. Or to say thanks for everything he ever did for us. I feel cheated. It has left me angry and bitter.
When you’re so full of anger that it makes your skin boil, where is it supposed to go when you don’t know how to let it out? This year, not only has this much anger made my OCD worse but it’s made me lash out at those closest to me.
I don’t want to be bitter anymore. How am I supposed to forgive? How do I let go?
It was mostly only in Cyprus I was like this but I genuinely wouldn’t eat anything else. Somehow it moved onto me eating normal food, but I made sure it was all saturated in lemon juice.
Some people have more sensitive sour taste buds than I, so does that mean they’re less bitter and twisted?
Those who do eat raw lemons tend to sprinkle salt on the fruit and scoop out the insides with a small spoon as if it were a kiwi fruit. Some sprinkle sugar on top instead. Depends on how bitter and sour people want their food. Some slice and dice a lemon. Some throw a wedge into their drink, or drizzle lemon juice over a salad.
So now it’s New Year’s Eve, I wonder what changes people want to make to their lives, and what resolutions people out there in the world will make.
I’ve already said less chocolate, more gym, be more girly, less of the swearing, and most important of all, be less of a bitter lemon. Be happy. And not to be such a grumble horse.
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